Page 269 - NIXBOOK

A teen driver had crashed into another car, because she did not know how to drive. I told her that several times. Since she did
not even have a learners permit yet, she had to agree with me. I was kind of especially upset with her because the car she had
hit was a jeep with a lift kit, extra large tires, and it was painted in a bright fluorescent hi-visibility lime green that was, I pointed
out to her, the most highly visible colored vehicle in the whole damn city. I felt bad for the driver of the jeep, no doubt the jeep
dealer had slapped the side of that jeep when he sold it to him and announced “You’ll be super safe in this one - ain’t nobody
ever gonna miss seeing ya.”

Old lady hit the gas pedal instead of the brake pedal right in front of a strip mall and plowed her car through the plate glass
windows, right into a pizza joint. A bench seat inside slowed her down pretty well, so she didn’t crash into the counter. Good
thing nobody had been sitting on that bench at that moment.

I pulled a guy over for speeding. He was Russian, and had a perfect great Russian accent. I pointed to his radar detector and
asked him about it. “Oh, that..” he said (you’re reading this in a Russian accent, right?) “That thing does not work at all.” And
then, not 3 seconds later, before I could reply, his radar detector picked up a radar signal from another nearby cop. The words
were barely out of his mouth when his detector started beeping and chirping and blasting bright red numbers and letters and
symbols in its display. It was a hilariously glorious moment, complete with the “oh shit” look on his face.

Traffic enforcement time: I catch a violator, and ask my usual question “How is your driving record?” Everybody asked this
question presumes I can find out, so they always reply truthfully. His response: “Uh, you caught me doing this last month.”