Page 88 - NIXBOOK

Me, knocking on a woman’s door early in the morning. She answers in her bathrobe. I hand her a hubcap that had come off her
car. I asked her who had been driving her car so badly that the hubcap got knocked loose. She doesn’t want to answer me. We
both know it was her good-for-nothing idiot son, but I don’t have quite enough proof to charge him with eluding, which is what
he was doing when he outran me through town, hitting a curb hard enough at one point to send the hubcap flying.

I stop a car one day for speeding; the driver and passenger are both Marines from the nearby sub base. As I call in the license
plate to dispatch, I see something under the car and I can’t finish reading out the plate because my jaw has dropped open. Its…a
wtf…it’s… a giant dead racoon. Totally jammed up underneath the car. I walk up the car and the young Marine readily admits
he had hit a racoon that had run into the road; there was no way to avoid it. “Well..” I told him, “It’s still with you, under your
car.” Driver and passenger get out to look and they’re aghast to see it mashed and mangled under the car. “We’ll go to our
buddy’s house and knock it out with a shovel in his driveway.” They suggest. “Uh, better idea;” I offered. “That thing is kind of
gross so I’d recommend doing some backward donuts in that bumpy dirt lot over there to dislodge it.” And then I noticed that
the dead racoon, smushed under the car, had left a bloody smear mark behind the car, down the road. Literally 2 miles long.

There I am investigating a homeless encampment in the woods. Large tent full of clothes and junk and crap, and most of it had
been scattered outside, I guess it had got wet and needed to be dried out in the sun, but then it rained again and made the bad
situation worse. The fugitive I was looking for was not there, but then I saw….the largest….biggest…most massive human poop
I have ever seen in my life. Just laying there in front of the tent. I’m not even going to tell you what it was comparable in size to.
I wish I could unsee it. But I can’t. It will be with me forever. I wish I had just taken that day off and not gone into work.

A drunk driver was driving by braille, bouncing off curbs, making his way home. Being followed by a citizen who noted the right
front tire had blown out hitting a curb, but the driver was oblivious and kept driving. I caught the driver a block from his house
and arrested him. His wife showed up and she was quite surprised to see her husband over the legal BAC limit by a factor of 3;
he had been doing a pretty good job of hiding his alcohol drinking from her and she did not even know he drank anything. I
pointed out that him being upright and able to answer questions despite an extremely high blood alcohol content meant that
he was a conditioned alcoholic.