Page 76 - NIXBOOK

I was in my patrol car, parked alongside the road, looking for drivers not wearing their seatbelts. Along comes this grandma
driving her car in the traffic and I can clearly see she is not buckled up. She looks like she’s about 130 years old. She’s got her
seat jammed as far forward as it can go so the steering wheel is right in her face; close enough that if the airbag ever deploys
she’ll get smashed to death between it and the seat but when you’re only 4 feet tall you run of options I guess and she’s got a
cigarette in her mouth, she looks like she had probably started the habit when she was a young girl and her first husband went
to off to war in Europe and died in the trenches and why stop now? I get in behind her, turn on my emergency lights, and pull
her over. She knows damn well she should be buckled in, so she grabs her seatbelt and tries to put it on, but she has a problem.
But she’s got a solution, and does the best she can in the limited time she has. I walk up to the car and see she’s now got her belt
on, sort of. But it’s not looped into the holder thing up by the shoulder post; the belt is coming straight up from the side of the
floor and it’s all slack. Because at some point, grandma had decided to just cut that stupid buckle off. Like, with scissors. You
know, as one does. Which made the whole seatbelt loop not a loop anymore, because the top half of the belt of course got sucked
into the retractor spool thing built into the side of the B pillar behind her shoulder and that part of the belt is gone forever now.
But the other half was still connected to the floor. But with no buckle. So great grandma grabbed that loose end and pulled it
up onto her as I walked up to the car. And she had it casually.. tucked into…uh…the front of her blouse. Still very slack. Just kind
of tucked into the front center of her blouse, like “close enough, maybe the officer won’t notice.” Well guess what, I did notice.
Although I spent a good 5 or 10 seconds just staring, trying to figure out what the hell I was seeing; half the seatbelt was gone
and the other half was limply going into her shirt. I introduced myself and made the requisite inquiry, asking her to help me
figure out what I’m seeing. Oh now, the jig is up! Great Great Grandma is caught! So she pulls the cut end out of her blouse. She
concedes there is a minor problem with her seatbelt. “Well, it just….it just snapped..one day!” she explained to me, in a tone like,
“This darn seatbelt, it just went and fell apart on me all by itself for no reason!” Did I issue her a ticket? Nope. I didn’t bother. I
figured if you’re a 130 year old chain smoking woman who is the kind of driver to just cut a troublesome seatbelt off, then a silly
little traffic ticket is certainly not going to change your mind in the slightest. And you all are in luck today because yes, this story
actually does have a matching photo, because the second I saw it I knew I’d have to record this visually for you all:

Me, off duty. Walking into a Home Depot. Very scraggly unshaven long-haired Jesus-looking dude was walking out, and he was
looking at me funny. Which caused me to look at HIM funny since I was a little weirded out. So we got into a staring contest of
sorts until he burst out laughing and identified himself as a cop I knew from a neighboring department. When I had seen him
last he had been clean cut, but then he got the undercover gig and to look the part he let it all grow out so he would blend in
with all the other dirtbags and drug dealers. He explained he enjoyed staring at cops he knew to make them feel uncomfortable,
knowing that almost none of them would be able to recognize him.

The woman who came to the PPD front counter, very upset that people were trolling her email inbox with very crude and
harassing content. She was a webhost for a woman’s empowerment website that featured, uh, user-submitted pictures of vaginas.