Page 253 - NIXBOOK

Grocery store loss prevention undercover guy caught a shoplifter. Called for police. (That’s me!) I show up. Shoplifter confesses,
and when I asked what he does for a living, he said: “I’m the marketing director for a large corporation over in Seattle,” which
he shamefully names. “I, umm..steal things just for the thrill of it.” I stare at him in silence. “I guess I need a new hobby,” he
continues. I just stare at him, letting him talk. He finishes with “..I feel like a dick.” The store security guard said he called me
because the guy has no wallet or ID. “It’s in my car,” the thief tells me. “Well then let’s go get it.” I said. “Uh, my girlfriend is in
the car with her sister.” Me: blank stare. Thief: “This is going to be so embarrassing..” Me: blank stare. The three of us then walk
out to his car; I’m of course in full police uniform, and the security guy has his badge around his neck. Marketing director thief
man is looking pretty ashamed as we approached his car with his girlfriend and her sister. “Well, you said you do this for the
excitement, right?” I pointed out. “Bonus round!”

Court day. I’m standing outside the courtroom in the police lobby, wishing for outside air because as always, the great unwashed
masses have arrived for their court appearances and most of them have worked themselves into a state of a stress that is an
assault on the senses of smell: fear and desperation and anxiety…Actually maybe some of the folks in there had taken a shower
at some point in the week, so they weren’t ALL stinky. One guy remained back, sitting in the lobby. I asked him if he wanted to
go into court and he declined, saying he was only there because his buddy had needed a ride to court. Then: “Hey Officer Hoke
do you remember me?” I looked at him and said “Erm, nope?” He reminded me who he was: “You arrested me a couple years
ago. Took me to jail. I wound up going to prison. Just got out two weeks ago.” My immediate thought was “Well this certainly
seems awkward now. Should be awkward for HIM, but I’m the one who feels weird about this right now…” The guy fortunately
wasn’t mad at me, looks like the prison system had at least got through to him that it was his own fault that he had become a
criminal. Obviously, that was not the first time somebody had told me a story like that. It was just awkward every time though.

The autistic young man who moved into a vacant apartment; he didn’t know he had to fill out an application form first and talk
to the manager to get, you know, permission. He just saw the sign advertising a vacancy, found the door unlocked, and so he
literally moved in furniture and a tv and everything and surprised the hell out of the manager. The kid’s parents showed up and
apologized profusely, and said they’d explain to their son that an “Apartment Available” sign was subject to terms and conditions.