Page 151 - NIXBOOK

A crazy guy is out in his front yard hollering and yelling; he’s in full-0n schizophrenic mode, complete with delusions and
paranoia. Several officers are present trying to calm him down, and more are on the way. I’m watching from across the street
when suddenly an even more dramatic event goes down behind me: a gentleman in his back yard had fired up his table saw, I
think in an attempt to stop hearing the crazy neighbor ranting. Guy is cutting old boards with the table saw in the back yard
when it kicks back and yanks his hand into the blade. I run over to him when he staggers out front holding his gloved hand; he
tells me that the saw got him. I see very little blood so I tell him to hold it tight, and I call an aid car. Once inside the aid car,
they peel the glove off and we all see he’s surprisingly completely missing two fingers. Before the aid car leaves for the hospital
I run back to house, suddenly a contestant in the old Find the Fingers game. I found a finger on the ground near the saw, kind
of camouflaged amid the autumn leaves and sawdust. I bagged it and ran it back to him. Couldn’t find the pinky finger though;
I think it had got obliterated in the saw blade and disintegrated into a red mist. I felt pretty good about finding one of the fingers
though; the aid crew was, I think, just going to leave without it.

I pulled a guy over for speeding. He explained to me that he had to go the bathroom. Like really badly. A moment later he said:
“Ah… I just shit my pants!” I did not stick around long enough for the smell to hit me; I did a catch and release and let him go
immediately. I believe that if you ever want to get out of a possible ticket, just tell the officer that you shit your pants.

Some transient criminals were living out in the woods in tents. Myself and another officer were having too much fun at their
camp while they were gone, probably out shoplifting again. “Say, this stretched out rope holding up this tarp up is right at throat
level! What if somebody walks into this in the middle of the night?” The other officer already had his knife out. “Yes. Choking
hazard. I can fix this.” Then I point to the lines staking the tents out. “Oh those are tripping hazards,” the other officer
announced. “I have a duty to mitigate that..” and we ripped them out and maybe threw them into the woods. Also that hatchet
they had left there, that might have been really hard for them to find when they got back, too.