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Also to make up for the fact that I was driving a stock minivan (which did elicit never-ending derisive snickers from just about
other police officer who ever saw it) I had a giant POLICE decal put on the front of the windshield, and I added blue lights to
the front grille. Unfortunately though a lot of officers considered my DARE assignment as
nothing like “real” police work so I had to make it a point to do continue to do regular
traffic enforcement in my minivan. I also responded to more than my share of car accident
investigations and also took other regular police calls frequently. It kept my patrol skills
sharp and although I got some teasing for being a “kiddie cop” I think most of my coworkers
eventually concluded that I was still doing important work. Although they couldn’t resist
teasing me for patrolling in a minivan. During the summers I’d lose my day shift hours and
get transferred to a late evening or even night shift patrol, which was fair since I had a
coveted day shift for 8 months out of the year even though I was still a very junior officer.
Back in those days the economy was very strong and the DARE
program was funded very well. I got to go to annual training
conferences for DARE Officers throughout the state. Because the
whole DARE program was centered toward kids, the DARE Officers’
spouses and families were encouraged to attend, too. The conferences
were always in larger cities, with training classes, motivational
speakers, and an afternoon set aside for picnics at the local water
parks and a big public parade with all the different DARE vehicles.
The conferences were a great time to recharge my batteries so to
speak, by hanging out with other DARE Officers and instructors.

One time an instructor, who was not a cop but a civilian, was talking about something I can’t remember and he explained that
he had a very special permit issued from the Drug Enforcement Agency that allowed him to actually buy illegal street drugs at
anytime, anywhere, from anybody. The permit didn’t give him permission to use the drugs of course; he could only buy them.
He used this privilege to show off: At every class he ever taught, no matter what city he was in, he was able to go find a drug
dealer somewhere nearby while on his lunch break and when the afternoon class started again he’d report on his success.

I remember another time at one of the conferences, there was a large banquet dinner at the hosting hotel. A guest speaker came
out and entertained us in an epic manner. He was an older guy, about 60 years old with gray hair and mustache, a little heavy,
and he was introduced as a high-ranking police detective from Scotland Yard, the main headquarters for the British metro police
in London. I actually can’t remember what he was talking about but I do remember that it started out normal sounding but after
5 or 10 minutes he started going off the rails and his speech devolved slowly into complete crazy talk that eventually had
everybody in attendance staring wide-eyed at him in shock and growing disbelief because he started saying some pretty
unbelievable things. When it became clear to him that he was losing the majority of us with his ever-growing outlandish stories,
he stopped and apologized. And with a huge grin he suddenly lost his accent and explained “I’m not British. I’m not a police
detective. I actually am the manager at the Walla Walla airport. But I have a side job where I pretend to impersonate other
people at conferences of all kinds.” Everybody in the audience started to relax again and laugh as he explained that he does this
sort of thing all the time. For the first half of his presentations he would pretend to be somebody he’s not and see how outrageous
he could get, then for the second half he’d fess up and entertain everybody with stories of his past hilarious performances.

He told us about the time he got invited to an obstetrician’s medical conference. (Of course the people who invite him knows
full well he’s going to do a hilarious BS presentation, and they’re the only ones who ever knows beforehand. It also helps when
the local hosts introduce him with whatever bullshit title he has come up with, to establish credibility right away) So he told us
that at the doctor’s conference, on his way up to the stage he grabbed a metal pole stanchion that was used to hold up a roped
off area. He got on the stage and adopted an Australian accent, and he told all the doctors about how the new thing in Australia
is the “birthing pole” which he showed off. “The woman in labor will squat in front of this pole here, grab onto it, and push the
baby out,” he explained in his fake accent. He went on in great detail about the state of obstetrics in Australia and about how
the birthing pole was a big hit. As usual, this guy’s got his speech crazier and crazier and when more than few doctors started
looking at each other with incredulous looks, and he could see that he was started to lose most of them, he fessed up and brought
relief to everybody who were as a whole getting pretty concerned about the progress of medical science in Australia. Another
time, he was invited to a conference made up of high ranking naval officers at the Bangor Sub base. He pretended to be an
admiral from the Norwegian Navy, and he started describing the new technology the Norwegian Navy was using on their new
secret submarines. This guy said he could clearly see some of the US Navy admirals turning to their aides, demanding in furious
whispers how they had not seen any intelligence briefings on all that. God that guy was super entertaining.